You made me cry and you don't even care
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
