everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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