jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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