Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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