I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
