dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
