I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
barbara walters just said penis...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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