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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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