Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
