totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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