You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
