Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
