I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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