My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
