You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
