I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
