Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
should my penis look like a turkey
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
