90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Im part way to drunk.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
