just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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