i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
