New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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