i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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