**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I will pee on everything he values.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
