Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
