Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
