I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
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I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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