Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
