Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.