Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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