He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
