I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
