You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
