i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
