I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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