I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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