my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
