my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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