You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
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The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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