someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
