just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
