i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
