i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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