i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
