He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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