my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
