Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
