Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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