Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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