11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
