i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
