come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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