I accidentally burped into my bong.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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