If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
PANTIES FOUND
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