I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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