I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
