if i can run in heels then i can drive
Me too!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
