i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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