I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
